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What is bullying anyway?
Bullying: Adults can say the most foolish things!
"It's about survival of the fittest"
"All kids go through it"
"It's just a phase"
"Just deal with it...you'll get over it"
"Boys will be boys"
"Don't tattle"
"It's a part of growing up"
WRONG!
Bullying is not new. It has happened throughout history.
And it's still around! Kids are still getting hurt after all these years!
What's wrong with that picture?
We invented computers, digital everything, skinny televisions and robots that can clean the house and yet children are still being victimized by bullies in school washrooms, camps and in sports arenas.
Nobody seems to care that much about kids getting hurt...that is, unless it is their own kids.
We think that is shameful!
You hear older people talk about it as a right of passage...something that kids have to endure.
We think that is kind of ignorant. Kind of like a double standard.
It's okay for a kid to have her lunch money taken or to be harassed at camp but adults would have a cardiac arrest if those things happened to them!
If youth really mattered to our society, there would be a lot less bullying in places where kids gather. If the problem can be addressed in the adult world through unions, federations and human rights tribunals then what's stopping it being fixed for kids?
Depending on the day, there are as many as 20,000,000 listings for the word 'bullying' on Google!
There are many definitions of bullying and you could go crazy reading all of the material that has been written about it. So let us give a simple description of what it is and what it is not!
Bullying hurts!
Bullying is deliberate and not accidental.
It generally happens on a repetitive basis.
It involves power. It is mean spirited. It can hurt a person big time!
It is not teasing or rough housing.
You see teasing is reciprocal. Moms tease dads, grandparents tease each other and sometimes their grandchildren and friends can also enjoy teasing. It becomes a problem when the teasing is all one sided and where one person lets the other know that they want it to stop and the other persists. We call this taunting and taunting is definitely not cool!
Bullying is about one person or a group trying to overpower and control another person.
It can be done through force. That is physical bullying.
It can be gossip, threats, being excluded, isolated and ignored - and that's what is known as social or psychological bullying.
It can be done on the school bus, in the classroom or those places in the school yard where adults never go! It happens at day camp or summer camp (big time), cadets, guides, scouts, and in just about all competitive sports (sometime the coach or the crazy parent is the catalyst for sports bullying).
Bullying happens wherever kids gather...simple as that!
Bullying includes:
- Name calling on a constant basis (don't sweat the one time name calling incident)
- Making things up! (Spreading rumours can be so destructive)
- Hitting, pinching, biting, pushing and shoving (generally seen in young boys...it's often a 'pecking order' thing)
- Taking things away! (Lunch, money, CDs, whatever...adults call it extortion)
- Damaging belongings - the better, more expensive the item, the greater the chance of losing it!
- Threatening and intimidating (hard to catch kids doing this, it can be so subversive and silent)
- Abusive text messages, web sites and anonymous phone calls (this is so dirty, as it can be really scary when you don't know who is behind the calls)
Some people think bullies act tough in order to hide their feelings of insecurity and yet those who do the research say that bullies tend to have high self esteem and self confidence. We know of bullies who win awards and are considered to be 'teacher's pets'. It's a double life thing for them!
The majority of victims of bullying find themselves being bullied by people in their own class, or in their own age group. Both girls and boys will bully. However, boys tend to be more physical in their bullying while indirect forms such as name calling and isolating or ostracizing a person are more common in girls. Boys are often bullied by other boys while girls experience bullying from both sexes. Bullies often feel unimportant, have difficulty forming close relationships with others and are not always popular. However, the opposite can be true!
Bullies have little empathy for their targets. Male bullies are often physically bigger and stronger than their peers...but hey! - We still know lots of bullies who are pip squeaks and kids who are giants who are so incredibly gentle and good natured. Bullies do tend to get in trouble more often, and to dislike and do more poorly in school than those who don't bully.
Young people who come from homes where parents provide little emotional support, don't monitor their activities, or have little involvement in their lives, are at greater risk for bullying. Parents' discipline styles are also related to bullying: an extremely permissive or excessively harsh approach to discipline generally increases the risk of teenage bullying.
Bullying, as kids know only too well, can often create a climate of fear among students.
It's difficult to concentrate on the chalkboard if they're scared of what is going to happen at recess.
Bullying generally begins in the early grades, (often in preschool programs), peaks at the intermediate levels and persists in different forms into secondary school. If you are a kid, then this comes as no surprise!
Bullying is not always seen by teachers and other professionals working with children. Sometimes it is not taken seriously by educators. This is definitely un-cool!
There are studies that show a pretty big gap between the perceptions of educators and the actual incidents of bullying in schools. A key part of the problem is that the incidents of bullying are far more likely to occur where there are no adults or when the adult notices it and decides to turn a blind eye.
Most young people know that bullying is not going to be stopped by a lecture from the principal, a 'Fear of God' assembly, a puppet show, play, or the presence of a police officer walking the hallways. It will not be stopped by a heavy handed radical zero tolerance approach nor will it be prevented by ignoring it!
Rather, it will be reduced when everyone has a part to play in the establishment of a healthy and warm school atmosphere, (a culture of caring), when youth are seen as part of the solution and not simply the major problem. It will be improved when professionals have the right kind of training and when parents realize that they have an important role in the process. Ever notice how popular it is for parents to point fingers and blame everyone else but themselves?
"What do you mean my son is a bully?!" Ever wonder why you rarely hear a parent acknowledge that his or her kid bullies? Must be the kids of the other parents who do the bullying...Wrong!
The worst thing to do is to simply whine and complain. Nothing is worse than the adult who whines, blames and walks away having accomplished nothing. We have included information for parents but we are under little illusion that the parents of bullies will read it and/or believe it!